[Just posting a bit of fun for you this week. I originally wrote this as a guest post for Jon Acuff’s Stuff Christians Like in 2012.
Smile :) ]
You’re new in town, settling into your new digs, getting used to the local eateries and traffic patterns and such. You feel pretty good about how quickly you’re adjusting. You’ve found the Home Depot and Starbucks, and even know two of your new neighbors by name.
You hardly even feel like a tourist anymore. This could be good. This could feel like home in no time.
But then you remember…
YOU HAVEN’T FOUND A NEW CHURCH
A brick drops in your gut as you dread the coming weeks of awkward, but necessary, church-shopping tactics:
- The greeter-avoidance maneuver
- The hide-in-the-herd hussle
- The breezy, just-passin’-through, bearing
- The “Are you new here?” evasion techniques
- And above all, the no-eye-contact game face
(Lord help you if you have children to put in the nursery. You’ll still be on 43 church mailing lists when little Jenny’s working on her Ph.D.)
Is this your story? Do churches outnumber all the taco, burger and pizza joints combined in your new hometown? Do you wonder how you’ll ever find that right church among the 692 within five miles of your front door?
WISH THERE WAS AN APP FOR THAT?
Ah, there’s help for you, my friend!
Just install The Church Picker app by eMelodee™, select a few preferences, and Great Jehoshaphat! Church Picker shows you a custom-matched, short-list of right(ish) churches for you.
It’s like God’s guidance on your smartphone.
Want to avoid a church that’s a little too friendly? Just slide the friendliness preference to select “Total anonymity. No hugging.”
Have a strong conviction about Bible versions? With Church Picker you can easily find churches that believe “The King James was good enough for Paul” just like you.
Is congregation size a priority? Select options from “Mega-church with heliport” down to “Come grow with us.”
Maybe you’re concerned about the quality of your worship experience? Just slide the musical preference to find churches that feature “Spinet Organ & Gospel Choir,” “Holy Smoke Praise Band,” “A Cappella Psalms & Shape Notes,” “Unplugged Metro-Worship,” or “Bach, Pipes & Brass.”
Need even more control? No worries! Select your preferences for up to 33 Church Picker dimensions like: visitor visibility, liturgy, length of service, singles, preaching, nursery, and youth ministry.
You can even pick a theological* preference like: “I just follow Jesus,” “Doctrine Divides!” or “Modern-Western Pre-mill Seekerism.”
(*Some dimensions may not reduce the number of matches in your area.)
Download “Church Picker” now, and you’ll also get exclusive access to the free companion app, “Daily Prayers My Way.” It makes prayer so easy, even a cavem…
Well, you get the idea.
Get The Church Picker app by eMelodee™ and cut through the church-shopping clutter.
Pick a church on your phone, save shopping for the mall.
2 thoughts on “The Church Picker App”
LoL. Nice post.
I lived in a small mining town in Wyoming for a few years and I found that there were (roughly) equal numbers of banks, bars, and churches. That was an odd mix.
I also can’t comprehend how some people think and will argue that you either aren’t worshiping God, OR you are disrespecting Him when you have any instruments other than the “traditional” ones like organ or piano. First, that doesn’t even jive with the spirit of worship mentioned in Psalm 150 and elsewhere in the Bible. Second, how long have those “traditional” instruments been around? 300? 400? Maybe 500 years? So then anything the saints did before that obviously wasn’t worship because it wasn’t traditional. Hmmm…
Its a shame we can’t worship together just because we disagree on baptism or church polity or come from a different ethnic group. Thx for you comment!
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