Why I Choose to Live, Not Die

Since the sad news that Robin Williams took his own life, I have seen some heated debate over two related issues: whether the suicidal have a choice, and whether suicide is selfish. I may be coming late to the party, but I needed time to sort through what was being said to articulate my feelings on these questions.

As a woman who lives with mental illness, I have faced the specter of suicide myself. I have experienced the pain of mind that makes death seem like beautiful freedom. But I refused freedom at the cost of life, and I may have to refuse it again.


Therefore, I was angered by the inconsistency I hear when some say Robin Williams didn’t have a choice. Americans are usually the first to claim we are all masters of our own destiny. And yet, when Robin Williams took his life, some said he didn’t have a choice.

How is that possible? How can he be the master of his own life, and not have a choice to live at the same time? This is impossible; as master, he must have a choice. He either never had control over his destiny, and therefore his suicide was inevitable. Or, he was master of his destiny and he made his final choice. But, it cannot logically be both.

Yet, as a believer, I see the distinction between destiny and choice through a different lens. The Bible teaches that we are not the masters of our own destinies; God is. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, and Psalm 139:16 say that God appoints our time of birth, our time of death, and all the days in between.

I live because my Master gives me life, and He asks me to trust Him. This God, “who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all,” (Romans 8:32) asks me to trust that the seemingly never-ending days of psychological torment, and the hour after hour of searing emotional pain, has meaning and purpose, that, “…our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.” (2 Corinthians 4:17)

Light affliction? Really? Yes, really. I don’t think Paul is minimizing our pain. I think he is saying that in comparison to the glory that we will one day see in us, the current pain is light and momentary.

God also appoints my death—the day, the time, the manner—and I am to trust Him in that, too. I do have a choice to trust Him and live while He gives me life. When living with mental illness day after long day feels more than I can manage, I choose to cling tenaciously to God because He first chose to cling to me.


In talking of selfishness, I’m not speaking of unkindness; like a child not sharing his toys. I am speaking of the kind of selfishness that considers only my pain, and not the pain I would inflict on others by taking my own life.

Since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.—Hebrews 12:1

I am surrounded by witnesses that include my husband, son, daughter-in-law, daughters (who also live with mental illness), and grandchildren. I am to live so that they see me running my race with endurance, living with mental illness, because God has given me this life. For me to take my life would be to take my life from them, without regard for them, a selfish act. But, if I choose to live the life He gave, a life with mental illness, they will witness a life of faith and hope. And from that, they may learn to trust Him with their lives and pains and sorrows.


God is great, and faithful, even when life isn’t.

4 thoughts on “Why I Choose to Live, Not Die

  1. Everyone has there own view on suicide. I also live with mental illnesses, almost my entire family does. I lost my brother to suicide 13 months ago. He suffered from anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder as well as addiction. And was in pain himself. With his issue he did feel like a burden on the family. He voiced it to us in a non-direct way. But we never really knew what he meant. To me from my own experience and listening to other people’s experience with losing a loved one to suicide. The person feels generous…they feel generous to be leaving the earth and “letting the family” be. They can tell the problems they have hinders the family and wants to no longer be a burden. But being a burden on the family is far from the truth. I think this from my personal experience and talking to others dealing with suicides.

    You also have to remember there is a difference in thinking with people who think suicidal thoughts/and or attempt suicide and people who actually succeed in suicide.

    The thinking is different. How we know the thinking in those two are different? Because one does not succeed and one does.

    I respect your view as well. Stay Strong.

    • I am so, so sorry for your loss, and the pain you are experiencing. The subject of suicide is never easy. Thank you for reading our post, and even in your pain being thoughtful.

  2. Thank you so much for your words. I too live with anxiety and depression and lost a loved one last year to suicide. You have expressed my own thoughts more eloquently than I could. A quote I read sums up my thoughts: Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just spreads it out on the shoulders of the already burdened. There are many witnesses, and our endurance will give them hope to run their own races. Thank you for choosing life. Keep choosing it everyday.

    • Mari, thank you for reading our post and for leaving a comment. I love your quote; it rings with reality. I am sorry for your loss; I’m sure the pain is still there. We are all in this difficult world of mental illness together. We need each other’s encouragement to daily choose life, just as Christ chose death for us so that we may have life.

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