I WANT TO DREAM…
of a life, of a world…
where I’m free from the bondage of mental illness.
There, I’m free from my limitations, and the world is mine. My energy is limitless; nothing overwhelms me. Whatever I put my mind to, I can do.
I have dreamed of this world since I was a little girl.
Back then, no one knew childhood fears could also be lifelong fears. I never heard of Anxiety, but I felt a nameless fear inside me that was too big to live with.
So, I imagined my dream world where I was safe and strong; where I feared nothing.
And I moved in. That’s how I coped.
Sometimes, I still do…
I want to dream.
I WANT TO MOVE…
out.
My dream world leaves me, increasingly, dissatisfied. Living there tempts me to be angry with God. Sometimes, I feel cheated because my reality doesn’t measure up.
But…
I know God doesn’t cheat. He doesn’t trick, or betray, or abandon. He is great, and He is good. He is the definition of…
Faithful.
And He bids me live, as I am, in the world He made for me, as it is, where Jesus is my reality, my home.
Where Jesus is my life.
The thief [satan] comes to steal, kill and destroy. I am come that you might have life and have it more abundantly.—John 10:10
From this I learn that no dream world can protect from the enemy who would destroy me; and that no dream world compares with the real life Jesus promises. So, even when my mind feels stretched thin like a rubber band and I’m tempted to fall into the dream, I know it will only fail me. I know Jesus won’t.
I want to move out.
I WANT TO LIVE…
not dream.
I know Jesus’ promise of abundant, vibrant life is about this life, now, not just the future life after death.
I want to experience that promise.
I want to experience His endurance, the determination that will help me face a task even when it overwhelms me. I want to experience His contentment when I’m tired of my limitations. I want to experience His light of truth when a fog of depression refuses to let me concentrate.
But to do all this, I have to live. Here. Now. In this broken life, not in my dream world.
It’s only in this world where I experience my chains, that I can know His freedom. Everlastingly.
My dream world only offers the shadow of free living, and so it always disappoints.
I really, really want to live.
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As I read this, Dawn, Philippians 3:14 kept coming to mind. May you keep pressing on in the Lord even when it would seem easier to escape to that unsatisfying dream.
Biggscott, thank you for reading the post and leaving a comment. That verse is very applicable. It’s a pressing on to know Jesus for who He really is in real life, not who I wish Him to be in a life I wish I had. I am finding Him to be much more merciful and compassionate with my real pain than I thought possible, and I am grateful.
I love you, Dawn! Praying that “His strength will be made perfect in our weakness” today for you.
Beth, thank you for reading, loving, praying and letting me know. I love that verse. It reminds me that my weakness has a purpose; the perfecting of His strength in me, for His glory. How are you? I see the pictures posted on fb, and you seem like a very busy mother of four adult children. Love you, too. Still wish we loved close enough for you to come over for tea!
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