I want what you have.
No, not your house. Not your income. Not your position in society. Not your fancy vacations or clothes. Not your kids’ college sticker on your car.
It’s your life.
I want your energy. Your spark. Your enthusiasm for your job, or for decorating your house, or cooking a special meal, or throwing your child’s birthday party.
I Want That
I don’t have it. That’s one of the consequences of coping with depression and anxiety. I’m often so exhausted by the daily effort to hold it together, that I just don’t have any energy leftover to be creative with life. I have to factor in my personal limitations when planning every single event in family life. “Will I be okay?” “Can I handle this?” “Can I be out two nights in a row?” “Am I cheating my children?”
Even fun events cause a kind of stress that can undo me. And sometimes, I resent that I have to live this way.
If you don’t live this way, sometimes, I want your life.
Sometimes, I covet your life.
And That’s Dangerous for Me
Covetousness is what drove Eve to eat from the forbidden tree. It’s what drove Cain to kill Abel.
Want a better visual? It’s what drove Smeagol—from Tolkein’s, The Lord of the Rings—to murder his cousin, take the One Ring, and become Gollum, a slaving, craving, shriveled soul.
Coveting is the deadly appetite that makes me a slave of what God has withheld because I believe it will make me free, fulfilled, significant, or special.
Only, It Won’t
Freedom. Joy. Significance. Only God can give me these. And He only gives them in the experience of knowing, and belonging to, Him. What He withholds, He withholds so that I will learn this. Withholding the forbidden fruit is the only way I’ll learn I don’t need it to be fulfilled. I don’t need the One Ring to be free. I don’t need your life to be significant.
For this, all I truly need is what God has given and promises to give,
“He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?”—Romans 8:32, ESV
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