Living with mental illness as a mother is even harder.
When I first became deeply ill, I did not realize the impact it would have on my children. At the time, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding it. But, I have discovered they saw more than I thought they did, and they didn’t like it.
The youngest one was only 2, so she doesn’t really remember. The older two were 9 and 11. They remember. They remember the emotional absence, and that’s painful for me.
Was It a Waste?
Sometimes I feel sad that I missed much of their growing up years; that I really wasn’t “there” for them. But then my gracious Heavenly Father reminds me of truth. Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you.” He reminds me that those years were His plan for me, but not just for me. This was part of His plan for my children as well. It was part of His plan to make them into the people of God He is designing them to be. This was part of their spiritual journey, just like it was part of mine. And I am grateful – grateful to know that this was not for evil in their lives, but for good.
Contentment is Hard
My children are older now. Do I see the good from those years? No, I don’t see the depths of all that God is doing in their hearts, and I have to be content knowing He may never show me. He has asked me to trust His promise that it was for good, and this mother’s heart is learning to do so.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28
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