[taken with Nikon D40, April, 2013.]

Every year I like to take a few shots of what’s blooming at my house. Here you see a border of pink phlox as the backdrop to some newly potted cosmos, daisies, petunias, begonias, portulaca, and periwinkle.

I’m not a garden fanatic, but it’s amazing how you put these plants in some dirt and watch them grow into delicious foods, shady trees, and beautiful flowers. (Remember the seed in the styrofoam cup when you were little?) We live in a rough and dangerous world; everyone needs a little wonder now and then.

Here’s a post by Dawn about how spring makes us long for heaven.

And it’s part of the package God gave me when He created me. Call it a thorn, if you like.

(I realize that’s a controversial statement that begs for explanation, but for now I’ll just refer you to Isaiah 45:7 and John 9:2-3.)

If you were to come face-to-face with an emergency, you would experience an immediate, physiological reaction: your adrenaline increases; your heart pumps harder and faster; you are prepared for action, or escape. But the 6 million American adults like me who suffer from Panic Disorder experience this even when there’s no threat. When we do, it’s called having a panic attack, and they’re terrifying.

Imagine the hyper-emotional, hyper-physical response you would experience if you were racing to rescue a drowning child, except there is no drowning child. That’s what a panic attack feels like. I’ve lived with them all my life. My first was when I was eight. I had gone to bed. The house grew quiet. And I panicked because I thought Jesus had come to take my family to heaven, and left me behind. Alone. Forever.

Panic attacks hit me two different ways.

The Rush

They usually come on fast and furiously intense. The sensations peak in a matter of seconds. They’re most often nocturnal, which means I’m jerked awake in the middle of the night already in the throws of a full-on panic. I have to work really hard to convince myself there’s no danger, but my mind is obsessed with the worst imaginable things: a vague sense or doom, or fear of having a heart attack, or worse, fear of God abandoning me. Sometimes I wake Lon up to have him pray for me.

The Wave

The other type of panic attack I experience is slower to rise, not as intense, but lasts much longer. I usually experience this during the day, but it can happen at night, too. One night I awoke awash in adrenaline. Panic came like crashing waves surrounding me, smothering me, and carrying me out to sea.

I knew I needed to move, to get up out of bed and work the adrenaline out of my system. I was already exhausted from fighting depression all day, but got up and began pacing the hallway just outside our bedroom. In the darkness, I felt so deeply alone and frightened.

The Pacing

As I did my half-walk, half-run up and down that hallway, I forced myself to worship God. And as I did, I gradually realized I wasn’t alone. Jesus was walking the hall with me, pacing with me. Did the anxiety go away? Did worship give my mind and body peace for the rest of the night? No. In fact, I was up twice more that night, wearing a path in our carpet.

But so was Jesus, who “never sleeps and never slumbers”. His presence kept my heart from hopelessness. His promise worked its way through my sleep-deprived mind and anxious heart.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “For our light affliction, which is momentary, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.” (2 Corinthians 4:17) At that moment, the waves of panic and despair felt anything but light and momentary. But God gave me faith to cling tenaciously to that promise. He is working His glory in me! His promise embraces me, freeing me from despair, and bringing meaning and purpose to my suffering.

It’s over my cold sea of need that the sun rises most warmly.

The Purpose

I look back on that night with quiet awe and gratitude. I’ve learned both from Scripture and hard experience that God uses what He hates to accomplish what He loves in His children’s lives. In me, He uses the Panic Disorder He hates (and I hate) to deepen the worship and trust He loves.

Reader, it is hard, but this is the way God works in us. My struggles, and yours, reveal the depth of our need and the greatness of God to work His glory in and through us.

May we ever grow to worship and trust Him, even in all that He hates, and allows anyway.

God truly is great, even when life isn’t.

Will you trust a God and Savior like this? Let us know by leaving a comment below.

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[taken at Georgia National Cemetery, Canton, Georgia, May 25^th, 2012]

One year ago, on May 25^th, 2012, my Dad was laid to rest with military honors. He died suddenly and unexpectedly of pulmonary fibrosis. I performed the brief committal service. (Here’s what I said.) The Honor Guard fired three volleys. Then, I played taps for my Dad as he wished. It was my last obedience to my father. My last honor given to him. I miss my dad.

Do you miss your departed loved ones? Having a rough time? Here’s how I find hope after bad times.

Are you there now? Full of despair like the man in this painting?

[photo by MatoWinyan via Photobucket]

If so, please believe this: Goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life, and you will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen. (Psalm 23)

Here’s how I know this is true…

My Big, Stupid Mistake (one of many)

In 1990 I probably made the worst mistake of my life. It was big. It was stupid. It was expensive and risky and unnecessary. It came with years of negative consequences, financial stress, and tears.

And I was in the bulls-eye center of God’s will for my life at the same time.

Confused? Read on…

It was August. My first child, Hans, was three weeks old. I had completed 18 of 20 courses of my M.A. at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary in Hamilton, Massachusetts. Amazingly, I was almost debt-free. The church I had attended during seminary needed a pastor and asked me to apply for the job. Life seemed to stretch out before me on an opportunity-filled highway.

But I had a big, stupid, mistake-prone bee in my bonnet. It was buzzing in my ear, “You must move back to Minnesota. There’s nothing for you here.” I listened to it (for stupid reasons), borrowed $1400 for a one-way Ryder truck rental and moved to St. Paul, Minnesota with no plan, no money, no job, no prospects, and no clue. I had blown my opportunity-filled highway to bits in the rear view mirror by an IED made of my own stupidity.

To buy diapers and formula I spent the first two weeks standing in line with homeless men to find day labor lawn care, warehouse help, whatever. I was as discouraged as I have ever been (though, I have been so many times since). I remember one particular Sunday afternoon, taking a walk with Hans strapped to my chest, and despair strapped to my back. “What have I done?” I wondered. I felt I had ruined our lives, blown up our dreams. I was filled with guilt and begged God not to abandon us, though I felt I surely deserved it, and He probably already had.

But twenty-three years and many ups and downs later, I have learned a few lessons about God’s will and the big, stupid mistakes we average people make. And it all boils down to having a biblical theology of God…

God’s Faithfulness

In regard to our mistakes, we sometimes say that God is the God of second chances. But, I think it’s more correct to say that God is the God of zero chances. We learn from Scripture that favor with Him doesn’t depend on us and our wisdom, or goodness, or faithfulness. He isn’t waiting for you to get your act together, your head screwed on straight, to try again and get it right this time.

He offers his favor freely because of Christ’s wisdom, goodness and faithfulness, not yours. It’s done. Finished. Sealed. If you belong to Christ, if you have come to Him, He will not turn you away, nor let you wander away. Ever. He is faithful to His people. No second chances offered. No second chances needed. He will not abandon you.

God’s faithfulness to you will set you free.

God’s Sovereignty

When we make mistakes, we worry that we’ve fallen out of God’s will. You’ve probably heard people talk about “missing out on God’s perfect will.” And now you’re afraid you’re permanently stuck with God’s plan B.

Nonsense.

If God’s plans were dependent on us, we’d all be on plan Z^999…. And what kind of plan is that? Such a folk-religion understanding of God’s will rests on an insufficient grasp of God sovereignty.

Just check your Bible, any page, and you’ll see that God perfectly accomplishes all He desires, from the macro to the micro. His will is never crossed because your freedom is subject to His freedom. This means that His plan A for you is right on track despite your mistakes and sins. In fact, the mystery is, that your mistakes and sins actually serve His plan A. (Confused? Sorry, no time to explain now, but if you sit down with the Bible, you’ll find that’s the story.)

God’s will for you is right where you’re standing, whether in the sunshine of your hopes, or the storm of your regrets. And it always will be. He reigns. He rules.

God’s sovereignty over you will set you free.

God’s Providence

Here’s a hard fact about your mistakes: God’s providence (His all-wise governing of all things for His glory and for your good) includes your choices, your actions, and the consequences that flow from them. So when you make bad decisions, stupid mistakes, rash sins, or careless choices, yes, you will have to live with the consequences in this world.

But not alone. Not to your undoing. God has a hopeful plan for you beyond this world that spans eternity. And no mistake of yours can undo it.

If you trust Christ, God is for you because of Christ. He leads before you, and supports behind you and beside you, and orders events around you. If you belong to Christ, His fatherly, providential care has been the most constant theme of your life. Look for it. Trust it. Hope in it even on mistake strewn paths.

God’s providential care for you will set you free.

God’s Forgiveness

Maybe your big, stupid mistake was a sin. You know it because Scripture tells you so. It tells you God hates that sin, and you think God is punishing you.

Or, maybe you’re not sure if your mistake was a sin, but you can’t help feeling like God is angry with you anyway. An accusing voice haunts you day and night, and to you, it is the voice of God.

In either case, remember the gospel! The gospel is God’s wonderful promise that He has made peace with you through Christ, that He will never punish you in this life, or the next, for any sin or mistake.

How can that be? – Because Jesus lived a sin-free, mistake-free life for you, and then offered himself to God on the cross to be punished in your place. If you place your hope in that sacrifice, God promises to forgive all your sins, past, present, and future.

Christian, if you’re living right now through the consequences of your mistakes, whether sinful or not, God is still your forgiving heavenly Father. So when your mistakes feel like a 1,000 pounds strapped to your back, remember God’s forgiveness. Remember His faithfulness to you, His sovereignty over you, and providence for you. Remember that He has made a covenant promise to work for your good.

And these grand truths will set you free.

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Happy Mother’s Day wherever you are! You could celebrate like these ladies if you lived near Sugar Hill, Georgia. I recommend the white chocolate raspberry cake.

(Notice the bears on the umbrellas? It’s windy today.)

Praise is the verbal admiration of the excellencies of God.

For most of us, the thought of digging a hole and lying down in it to be covered up with dirt is terrifying. But there came a time for Dawn when it was a solution she longed for.

[photo by ill.have.another via Flickr]

Let me tell you about it…

1983

In 1983 I met a sweet pastor’s daughter in Minneapolis. I thought she was too young; she thought I was a jerk. But, at the prodding of friends we got past those first impressions, dated, fell in love, and married in January, 1986.

Like any marriage, ours had its ups and downs. I really was a jerk and caused many of the downs. But I wasn’t the only trouble. Dawn suffered with mysterious panic attacks. I was unfamiliar with them before I met her, but I quickly learned that they were not “just in her head.” She experienced frequent stress headaches and neck stiffness. Often, she would awake from a deep sleep in an adrenaline rush of fight-or-flight panic, convinced she was about to die of a heart attack. Then, the day after such an episode, she would be in a fog of exhaustion.

2001

Over the years her panic attacks waxed, and waned, and waxed again, like the return of the tide. Then in December 2001, Dawn had a medically necessary hysterectomy, which, for some unknown reason, triggered a mental tsunami.

A flood had been released and Dawn was drowning in a sea of depression. I watched her become more and more withdrawn, and less and less able to function. The eyes that used to smile when I arrived, gave way to a blank stare. Soon, intervention became necessary.

2002

Dawn’s first prescribed meds left her numb to me and the world. When we “celebrated” our 16th anniversary in January 2002, she slept almost all day and all night for three days. During her few waking hours, we walked together slowly, she hardly present, me supporting her by the arm.

Soon after came the hallucinations. Her doctor had ordered an adjustment to the meeds, which sent her mind reeling into a nightmarish land, terrifying her and me, and our young children (ages 11, 8, and 2) who witnessed a few episodes. We did get the meds straightened out, and the hallucinations stopped. But, she could no longer function on her own. And for the next six months, I became a kind of life-coach:

“Morning Dawn, it’s time to get out of bed.”

“I can’t. I’ll die.”

“Here’s your toothbrush sweetheart, brush your teeth.”

“I can’t. I’ll die.”

“Eat your breakfast, Dawn.”

“I can’t. I’ll die.”

Every morning, I’d coach her through a light weight work out so she’d have a positive accomplishment to draw upon for the day. Then I’d remind her about how to spend the day with the children, telling her she could do it, that I believed in her. And then, I’d leave for work, and pray everything would be okay.

One day during all this, Dawn told me how she fantasized about digging a hole in the back yard, about how she would lie down in the hole. She told me how warm and welcome it would feel to lie down in that hole, and die.

I was afraid I’d lost her. I was afraid I might have to put her in a hospital. She was terrified, and begged me not to.

2013

Eleven years later, my love is still here and was never hospitalized. She has been off medication since 2004, but has never been quite the same. She may never be. I describe her as cycling between greater and lesser degrees of fragile.

Early in our Christian lives people told us how awesome and glorious and wonderful the Christian life is, how great it should be. Jesus came to give us abundant life, after all. But He also said we would have many kinds of troubles.

So, hard experience and tender mercy has taught us that God is great, even when life isn’t. The abundant life is starting to break into our present lives, but trouble rules the day. Our hope for great lies in God alone, and He has reserved most of that for the next life. The hope of heaven is great, yes. But that hope is both sharpened and tempered by the reality of living as brittle glass people in hard iron world.

Average Us, indeed.

Why have we shared this with you? – Because reader, we want you to know what to do when someone you love wants to lie down in a hole and die. Here are some constructive things you can do for that loved one.

1. Reassure him/her of your love.

Dawn once said about herself, “I’m such a mess.” I told her, “But you’re my mess. And I love you.” Christianity teaches that love is a commitment to another’s well-being. It’s primarily a verb – an action, a decision; not a noun – a feeling, or state of being.

2. Reassure him/her you won’t leave.

Dawn knew she was a mess, and often felt guilty about how her depression effected those who loved her. I don’t remember this conversation, but Dawn recalls telling me I could leave her. She remembers that I smiled and said, “You’re sick and I married you in sickness and health. I’m sorry you’re sick. But I’m thankful for this opportunity to love you as Christ loved the church.”

3. Keep a routine.

When Dawn was fighting her deepest depression, she needed to be able to count on regular things, happening in regular ways at regular times: meals, chores, family times, bed times, etc.

4. Create memories.

Part of keeping to a regular schedule is that we still celebrated all the family events: birthdays, vacations, anniversaries. We still went to the beach each spring and went camping in the mountains each October. Dawn says we didn’t treat her like she was sick, like our family life had to be on hold because of her.

5. Smell the roses — literally.

I often came home after work to find Dawn asleep or staring blankly. To get her outside of her mental prison, I’d take her by the hand and we’d walk outside to look at the flowers, or the trees, or grass. Even though the world was largely colorless and silent, even without a scent for her at that time, it still helped her to remember the possibility of feeling and smelling the green earth again.

6. Get help.

God gives us helpers, friends, counselors, medication, and hospitals. Use them incrementally, and cautiously as needed. But, don’t be afraid to use them.

7. You need help too.

Don’t try to support a suffering loved one on your own. I don’t know if I could have handled that time without the support of my friends and men’s group. They never judged. They were full of compassion. I pray you would experience the same.

8. Ignore the stigma.

If you tell someone your spouse has cancer, the world will weep with you. If you tell someone your spouse has depression, many will cast a side-long glance, as if to say, “I wonder if that’s real, and if it is, I wonder what they did wrong.” Ignore them. They haven’t got a clue.

9. Read Scripture on Suffering and Hope.

Many people treat faith and hope like wishing because they don’t have a biblical understanding of suffering. But despair grows best from the seeds of false hope. And you can find many false hopes offered in the name of Christ today. So, fill your mind with what Scripture truly teaches about suffering and the hope it promises. Then, set your mind on the hope of heaven. This will be your best source of strength and courage in the darkest moments of the now.

10. Hope in God.

If you’ve read Average Us long enough, you know that by this I mean, hope in God through Christ. If you trust Christ Jesus for heaven, then trust Him for today. Let your trust be from moment to moment. The valley of the shadow He leads you through may be longer and darker than you could imagine. But He is there in the darkness, and there will be light for you, even if He reserves most of it for the next life. There will be abundant life, even if not fully yet. You will have trouble now, but never apart from His providential care.

If today is your darkest day, Dawn and I urge you to hope in God through Christ. He alone is great, and great for your well-being, even when life isn’t.

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